Halloween 2 NOT Dove Family-Approved?

In this shocking new article from Christian-Cinema.com the hardworking media watchdogs at the Dove Foundation have given Michael Myers’ latest slasher film two Doves down.  Or thumbs.  Or however they quantify cinematic non-awesomeness.

I’m wondering…who needed this review?  Was it you?  Were you sitting on the fence on this one?  Maybe you saw the Halloween 2 trailer and thought this might be a good one for the youth group?

“Buuuuuuuuut,” you devilishiously advocated, “I better wait for the Dove Rating System which could actually reveal that this film may not be as redemptive as it appears and in fact could potentially scare the h-e-double-hockey-sticks outta our kids and scar them for life.”

Well if that’s the case, the murky media waters have just gotten media murkier.  See, apparently now that half the Dove Review Team – or DRTs- is in therapy over at Focus on the Family and the other half is sleeping with the lights on after the H2 review, they’ve officially sworn off NC-17 rated films as well as “certain explicit R-rated films.”  Only without the swearing part.

It’s the end of an era, film lovers.  It means you’re not gonna be able to rely on the DRTs to tell you, for example,  whether “Night of the Demons” or “Saw VI” are kid-friendly and mother-approved.  You won’t be able to lean on this surrogate Holy Spirit in your life.  You’re gonna have to review the facts and use your own…ahem…common sense*.

Discernment…it’s not just for Rock Music Video Television anymore!

What?  Why are you still here?  You need more spoonfeeding?

Alright.  Wired4Film.com loves you.  We will not abandon you in your time of moral confusion.  So here now are 5 Movie Discernment Tips to Help Guide Your Seared Conscious on Your Movie-Going Habits.  Otherwise known as…

You Know You’re in the Wrong Theater if….

1. …if the opening credits include two or more of the following:  detailed shots of mutilated corpses, severed limbs, a chainsaw, an ice pick, a blender,  boobs (technically this does count for two) or Emilio Estevez.

2.  …if the film title includes: National Lampoon, Saw, Massacre, Final Destination, any roman numerals beyond III, Spring Break, Uncut & Unrated, Cheerleader, or Left Behind*.

3. …if it’s Friday night and you’re the only person in that theater…leave immediately.  Statistically speaking, this movie’s a stinkbomb.

4. …conversely, if it’s Friday night and you are surrounded by nothing but college guys, this is not a good sign…although it might be that you’ve stumbled into a Star Trek film in which case you’re okay to stay, but plan on taking a drink of whatever is passed to you every time Spock lifts his eyebrow and/or says, “Fascinating.”

5. …if the film has been directed by Tarantino, Apatow, Joel Schumacher or has any combination of Seth Rogen, Paris Hilton, Leslie Nielson or any of the Wayans Brothers.  Run away.

Just a basic guideline, people.  Not the gospel.  So, good luck with that.  Happy Film Viewing!

*snarky opinions of certain W4F contributors are not necessarily the snarky opinion of Wired4Film.com