Jesus vs. Jesus and Smoking Hopium

Did you feel that latest earthquake?  The epicenter is located in what Bob Briner refers to as the Christian Ghetto.  Well you should have because there’s a rumble in the Bronx brewing and it’s gonna get ugly.  No, I’m not referring to the Franklin Graham vs Barrack Obama UFC Cage match that really needs to happen.  I refer to a Box Office showdown the likes of which we haven’t seen since Turner and Hooch vs. K-9, or Armaggedon vs Deep Impact, or Miley Cyrus vs. Hannah Montanna.  Wait, what?  How would that even work?  I dunno…

Anywho…

I knew there was another Jesus movie in the works.  It’s called “The Messiah” being developed by In Jesus Name Productions (ack! why can’t I even type these Christian ProdCo names without gagging on my Corn Pops…I’m SORRY, okay?!?  It’s just…it’s…it’s NOT what Jesus did) and was all set to let it pass under the radar like the slow-moving fat kid in dodgeball that was an opportunity referred to as a “low hanging fruit”.  In fact, I was bodily shielding him from the uber-athletic bullies on the other team.  Until I discovered another slow-moving fat kid behind me.  And realized I was on a whole team of slow-moving fat kids…at which point I decided to take up tennis.

But then I discovered there was another Jesus movie in the works!  And I calmly set down my spoon, stood on the breakfast table and shook my fists to the heavens…cut to wideshot Raleigh where a piercing soulful wail resounded through the city like “whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?”

No.  Seriously.  Why?

Am I the only one on the planet who saw “The Passion of the Christ” by that little unknown fella named Melbourne Q. Gibson (prolly not his real name…you know those hollywood types).  That was only 2004, Mr. ADHD.  I realize there were some religious groups that panned it because they thought they were speaking in tongues…but it was actually Aramaic.  The other God language.  Sooooo, not a good excuse to remake it.

The Passion sits at #14 in all-time domestic film grosses.  It’s a cinematic masterpiece.  Great script.  Great movie.  It changed lives on both sides of the aisle…both the secular and the sacred.  Did you see the other film that came out the year before?  It was called “The Gospel of John” and attempted word for word fidelity to John’s point of view tale.  It, however, sits at #4561 in all-time domestic film grosses.

I can hear the critics out there winding up with their dodgeballs and their overmuscled theological precision ready to rain down hellfire and gelatin on my head with the old, “it’s not about Box Office, Acuff, it’s about soulssssssss!  Soulsssss for Jesussssss!”  (And I’m not making fun, guys, just my ssssss key sticksss sometimessssss)

And that, Young Skywalker, is why you fail.  But before I go there, let me tell you about Jesus Film #2.

The new film in development is called “Jesus: No Greater Love” and despite the “Jennifer’s Body” type horror film looking website where blood is gushing down the screen in a nauseating cascade there are many similarities to “The Messiah”.

Both ProdCo’s are calling their film development a “movement”.  Not because it is indeed a movement, mind you, not like Facebook is a movement or the Greening of America is a movement or the Oreo cookie, but because the filmmakers NEEEEED it to be a movement.  Mostly because their vision (read pricetag$) is so high that they don’t just need a couple love offerings….they need a loaves-and-fishes-cast-your-nets-on-the-other-side-til-they’re-full-til-breaking sorta festivus miracle.

I mean, the “Jesus:NGL” group doesn’t even have a script yet, but feels like they require $45M to make it happen.  They even gave themselves til March 2010 and were a little disappointed that they only had raised $300K.  Oh, the films I could make with $300K.  I’m.  Just.  Saying.

This is the second biggest problem with both films….they are donations based.  For a $45M film you don’t need donations you need investors.  This isn’t PTL, guys.  Like it or not, this is show biz.  Donors give $10 and $20s to showbiz.  Investors give thousands and millions.  Donors get no return except the good feeling they’ve been a part of a “movement”.  Investors receive monies back in the end so they are then freed up to fund OTHER worthy kingdom projects…keeping the momentum going.   Donors watch as Ministry leaders ride around in Bentleys and Golden Jetplanes with Jacuzzis.  Investors don’t care because they’ve got their OWN Bentleys and Jacuzzi Jets.  Donors are PCs…Investors are Macs.

In the options trading market we’re warned about this lethal drug that can devastate your trading if you get addicted.  It’s called “Hopium”.  It’s called not doing your research and legwork, but getting into a trade just “hoping beyond hope” that the market goes your way.  If that’s you, you’ve been smoking Hopium.

And these filmmakers are smoking Hopium if they think these huge monolithic endeavors are gonna fly waving inspirational pep rallies and car washes and bake sales.  What’s gonna happen is that your $45M film will have to be made for $300K.  Instead of CGI you’ll be using Plah-Doh.  Instead of Al Pacino you get John Tesh.  And instead of “The Passion” you get “Soul Plane”.

More importantly, instead of attracting “souls to Jesus” they’re just gonna point and laugh at the lack of narrative structure, corny acting and also the paper mache cross…then they’ll go back to Iron Man 2 and Friday the 13th part 47.

Don’t get me wrong, the Choir is gonna love ‘em!

Is there room for another Jesus Movie in 2010?  Heck ya there is, Napolean!  How about some sorta Frank Peretti-like treatment of the Crucifixion.  Let’s see what was going down behind the scenes with Michael and Lucifer in the most epic battle of all times.  THERE’S your $75M film idea.  I’d see THAT in 3-D, smellivision or whatev you throw at me!

But let’s not be looking at a Ford Focus and you trying to sell it to me as a Ferrari.  As the good book says, “Homey don’t play that!”  (Psalms, I think).

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