Are you wearing your Avengers underoos yet? Cause I am. I’m pumped that it’s less than a week away til this epic destroys the box office. At least for a couple weeks before Batman destroys Avengers. And then Spidey destroys Batman. This summer is AWESOME!
Meanwhile, film clips and scenes are rolling out fastly and furiously. In fact, I’m pretty sure that by watching all the released clips and trailers and extra footage from the international trailers…I’ve seen the entire film and the dvd bonus features by now.
But that is okay.
Now I’m not an uber UBER super dooper Avengers fan. Those people are going to this:
The Regal Movie Marvel Marathon. 6 Movies, 14 hours, $40.00, 21k kernels of popcorn, 6 gallons of cherry coke, 187 twizzlers, culminating in the 12:01 Avengers screening. My butt fell asleep just reading the poster. And my teeth just rotted out. And my intestines burst.
So, no. I’ll pass this time but still maintain my rabid fan status at a midnight screening. You can tell I’m a rabid fan cause my date will be wearing the Black Widow outfit. His name is Jim and we tried to talk him into something else, but he’s pretty adamant.
Speaking of Black Widow, I fell in love with her during her 8.4 seconds of fame in Iron Man. So I’ve probably watched this Avengers clip about 237 times.
So good. I don’t actually know what Black Widow’s real super power is, but it appears to be hotness and the ability to strike awesome crouchy poses. And how about that chair flip, huh? Does Joss Whedon know how to write a strong female lead or does Joss Whedon know how to write a…the ANSWER’S YES!
But that chair flip caught my attention because if memory serves correctly – and it rarely does – I’ve seen that move before from one Mister J.J. Abrams and one Miss Sydney Bristow. And does J.J. Abrams know how to write a strong female lead or does J.J. Abrams know…the ANSWER’S YES!! So, I did some digging around and found that other flippin sweet chair move.
Did you see what I did there? Flippin sweet? This stuff just writes itself, people.
Now, I haven’t seen Steven Soderbergh’s “Haywire” yet with real-life butt kicker Gina Carano, but when I do, if she doesn’t flip a chair and people’s rock bottom some other character, I’m gonna be a little disappointed. A little put out. A little bit let down. Because, let’s be honest…one chair flip smasharoo is awesome and random, but two? Well, now it’s a thing.
So, good luck DC Comics competing with that. Good luck Justice League getting Wonder Woman to chair flip smasharoo WWE style. Cause she might break a nail.
As for the rest of you rabid fans? Will I be seeing you at the Avengers screening on May 4th at 12:01am – the ANSWER’S YES!!
Spoiler Alert! Lots of Spoiler Alerts! Talking about the new Captain America movie here. And there will be Spoilers. If you don’t want any SPOILERS for the new Captain America movie then READ NO FURTHER. Cause it could be SPOILED for you. Are. We. Clear? Spoiled.
I’ll even give you a moment to click away to another webpage at this time. Why are you still reading? Go! Okay, here, perhaps a YouTube video recommendation…here’s one called the Ultimate Dog Tease. It’s humorous. Go watch it.
Okay, for those of you still here who have seen the movie, and the guy who insists on having the movie spoiled for him, I went and saw “Captain America” in a sneak preview last week. Wayyyyyyy before the rest of the world. Why? Maybe that’s just the kind of power and influence we have here at Wired4Film blog-a-zine-o-sphere-o-rama. Or maybe my friend scored some free tickets from a Radio station. (Thanks, Jim!)
Today, I see the film is topping the Box Office on its opening weekend with over $65M so far. The people have spoken. In fact, a couple of film friends of mine were almost giddy:
Jeremy: “CAPTAIN AMERICA was great! At least for me, it completely lived up to my expectations, as a [Captain America] fan, I was happy. Now HARRY POTTER on the other hand FAR exceeded my expectations – maybe the best Hollywood film I’ve seen this summer.”
And another friend was gushing as well:
Jack: “Captain America is probably the best Comic Book Movie of the summer. I can’t wait to see what Whedon does with the Avengers. DC needs to take a page from Marvel’s playbook.
So there are well informed fan-boys out there that love the film. Thought I’d throw that out there first. But, I didn’t love it. I liked it, but I didn’t love it. Why? I am so glad you asked.
Here now are 5 things I hated the most, not necessarily in this order…
1. Captain America’s Miracle “Do Everything” Steroids
Someone I “overheard” online was peeved at the film’s seemingly pro-steroid stance. I don’t think so, ma’am. This is comic book world! A world where strange potions and elixirs, cosmic space dust, mutant genomes and radioactive spiders create awesomely endowed heroes and their equally notorious baddie counterparts. So that doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is that this miracle “do everything” steroid not only makes him faster/stronger/taller (to be expected) but teaches him how to fight (both in one-on-one and one-on-500 combat), teaches him military strategy, teaches him how to fly a plane, enables him to be frozen underwater for 70 years without aging or the slightest frostbite. Neo, at least, had the operator standing by. When he needs to learn Kungfu?…breeeeeep. Done. Downloaded. Trinity needs to fly a helicopter? Brrrrreeeeeep. Done. Downloaded. Makes sense…in Matrix World. Not Captain America world. Meanwhile in X-Men world, Wolverine has a super-rapid regeneration superpower, but you hold him under freezing water and he’ll drown. And freeze his little wolvie nuggets off. Captain America, though, just walks it off.
2. Zero Post-Op Recuperation Time
From the time he steps out of the make-buff-ifier machine (which is WAY better than Photoshop, people), he’s instantly running, jumping cars and buildings and saving the world. No easing into it. No getting used to the new sea legs. Not even a glass of Gatorade. Not the Gatorade Prime for pre-game. Not the Gatorade regular for during the game. Not the Gatorade Recover with extra carbs and protein for after the game. None of them! He didn’t even have to apply a coat of Cocoa Butter to help with the stretch marks that you KNOW he had after his little growth spurt. Nope. Straight to battle.
3. No Bad Superpower Side Effects
We’ve all seen Pharmaceutical commercials out there. From Cialis to Allegra to Lunesta and beyond. The miracle of modern medicine gives us sexual superpowers, super immunity to dust and pollen, and super sleep for super night’s rest…among other things. But they all come with side-effects. Horrible side effects. Conflicting side effects. May cause drowsiness or may cause excitement? Which one is it? May cause headaches and nausea. May cause bleeding. May cause an urge to gamble. May cause man-boobs.. May cause gerbils to grow out of your nostrils. Pregnant women shouldn’t even be watching this commercial. But not the Captain America “Do-Everything” Steroids. They don’t even cause his voice to go higher.
4. Three Stooges-esque Nazis
Granted, this movie has been labelled by some as the Children’s version of “Inglorious Basterds” but that doesn’t mean the Nazi baddies have to be so easy to knock over. Supposedly, the Red Skull had given his Hydra soldiers the best technology in the world. And yet each time Captain America waltzed right in it was like:
Cappie: ”Hey Moe! Knock Knock!”
Hydra Baddie: “Woo woo woo! Who’s there?”
Cappie: ”My fist!” BAMF! “Nyuk nyuk nyuk!”
Hydra Baddie: ”Ouchie! Not again! Shucks doggies! This is the fifth surprise attack on our secret hidden fortresses! Gee-willikers, if only they’d invented texting by now our downed brothers in the other 4 fortresses could have tweeted us in time to do something about it!”
5. The Ending The Ending The Ending
Spoiler alert! Okay, I get that we’re doing some Marvel cross-pollenation rise to the Avengers movie. That’s cool. I understand that you’ve gotta bring Captain America 70 years into the future in order to join that team. But there are people you made us care about throughout the whole film that are just…gone? I mean, Buck Rogers travels 500 years into the future but we don’t linger in the past, we get right to Twiki. And Colonel Wilma Deering. Mmmmm. Wilma Deering. Oh, where was I? Oh yeah…not in Captain America. Characters and subplots haven’t been so flippantly cast aside since Elisabeth Shue failed to re-appear in “Karate Kid 2″ . Still scarred over that one, Ralph Macchio. And to top it off, he’s been frozen for 70 years under ice! Why is he not dead? I guess what I’m saying is either I want him to be dead, or all the others to be alive. Okay, not all, just some. Okay, not some, just Tommy Lee Jones and Hayley Atwell.
So that’s it. That’s my rant. Most of it falls under, “Everything was too easy for Team Captain America” which to me was a writing issue. But I just had to get that off my chest so that when they reboot Captain America in 6 months from now like they’re doing with every other comic series, maybe they’ll hear me. And if they hear me, perhaps they’ll care. And if they care, perhaps they’ll let me direct! And if they let me direct, then Matt Damon and Rachel McAdams will be suiting up!
Let’s make a movie!