Occupy Hulu

October 30, 2011 by  
Filed under /Editorials

I am not an activist.  I don’t wear Lance Armstrong rubber wrist bands.  Abortion rallies gross me out.  I didn’t free Tibet.  I don’t necessarily think pink.  I did recycle once.  I haven’t occupied Wallstreet or Oakland or Baltimore.  In fact the last time I purposely stood around in a significant group of people for any worthy cause was in line for the airplane Lavatory.  Met some great peeps.  The important thing is, we worked it out.

Let the wookie win!

Before that me and another group of concerned citizens were staging a little demonstration in the Star Tours line at Disney.  Occupy Mos Eisley, I think was the name.  But after a little wait, a 3D ride and a Wookie photo op…we moved along.

But now, I am riled.  So upset I wanna slap your mom.  Our rights, nay our peaceful existence, as Citizens of the interwebs are at stake.

I am in a showdown with Hulu.com.

Nothing we haven’t seen before.  Big company hits the web.  Makes a big splash.  Offers everything for free.  All the time.  Makes some funny superbowl commercials Gains a following.  A huge following.  Then when the time is right, usually 2 to 3 years of net-friendly open sourcedness…BAM!  They offer a paid subscription.

No biggie.  At first.  They still give you a few of your favorite shows.  The rest of them available to “Hulu Plus Subscribers” only.  It’s okay, it’s still a choice.  It’s a less good choice, but I can still see a lot of shows within a few weeks of them airing.  No big whoop.

But that scraping sound is a dividing line being drawn in the sand.  A line between the elite 1% Hulu Plussers…and the lowly 99% Hulu table scrappers.

Let me pause a minute to explain a little game I like to call the “Carrot and the Stick”.  Say you have a Donkey.  I don’t know why you would, but perhaps you’ve got some firewood to carry to the Blacksmith.  Why this analogy hasn’t been upgraded since Jesus times, I don’t know.

Anyway, if you want to move the stubborn ass (#biblicalterm) from point A to point B then you can:

1) lure him with a Carrot, or,

2) beat him with a stick

Carrot – this is based on a rewards system.  You move forward to where I want you to be, you get a tasty treat.  Reward.

Stick – this is the punishment system.  You stay where I DON’T want you to be, I visit uncomfortable measures upon you until it becomes intolerable for you to stay put and you finally make a judgement call and move forward from that place.  Or you become dead.

The Hulu carrot I have witnessed.  More shows.  More access.  Mobile access.  Characters from your favorite show actually come to your house and bake you cookies.  It’s a good deal.  BUT….you have to pay.  And as the Occupy Wall Streeters have spoken, we’re done paying.  We’ve overpaid.  You made us borrow money and now you’re making us pay it back.  We’re done.  You’ve got money.  Give it to us now! (I’m sure a more indepth look through the news would actually help me understand the OWS movement’s goals and intentions more, but…reading?  Psssht. Really? Overrated.  Although I’m glad in an ironic way that you feel differently.)

But the Hulu carrot hasn’t worked like the Hulu Suits wanted.  So now they’ve broken out the Hulu stick.  Commercials.  At first, you’d usually see a commercial during your show at some point, thas kewl bruh, we needed 30 seconds to check Facebook anyway.  It all worked out.  But they keep adding more and more and MORE.   Last show I watched had 4 commercials in a single break.  I’m all, “what is this the 80s?”

It’s a trick I like to call Hulution.  (Think Hulu meets Pollution) They are Huluting the free shows with more and more commercials til it becomes intolerable to sit there and watch any longer.  If I’m still on Hulu this time next year, it could conceivably take me 4.5 hours to watch 30 Rock because of the 2,136 commercials I’m going to have to sit through.

And this is a cause I can finally rally behind.  Global Hulution.

Occupy Hulu.  What does this look like?  It looks like a whole bunch of people sitting at their computers and logging in to Hulu.com.  And then not clicking anything.  Oh, it’s the law of Net Metrics. Someone out there is measuring who is on the site, how long they’re there and how quickly they exit.

So if we go, and park it, and don’t click a thing, someone upstairs is gonna blow a head gasket because average time on site will be 1.5 weeks, but pages visited will be 1.  Now some of you are going to be tempted by a new “Parks & Rec” episode.  A new “Modern Family”.  A new “Grey’s Anatomy” or “Family Guy”.  (Heathens!)

But do NOT click a thing!  Just let the browser sit there.  Sit there until you see a deposit made to your checking account or at least a Banana Republic gift card in the mail from Hulu and a little note that says, “Sorry. We’re free again!”

My research and scientific extrapolations show that within about 3.2 weeks, we stubborn asses could turn this thing around if we’re really committed.  So, stand with me.  Or rather, sit.  And let’s make this world a better place where our children and children’s children can breathe Hulution free air…or at least watch a whole season of “Community.”

It can happen.  Dreams can happen.  Just ask the little Wookie from Spunky Puddle, Ohio.

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