Captain America: 5 Things I Hate About You

Spoiler Alert!  Lots of Spoiler Alerts!  Talking about the new Captain America movie here.  And there will be Spoilers.  If you don’t want any SPOILERS for the new Captain America movie then READ NO FURTHER.  Cause it could be SPOILED for you.  Are. We. Clear?  Spoiled.

I’ll even give you a moment to click away to another webpage at this time.  Why are you still reading?  Go!  Okay, here, perhaps a YouTube video recommendation…here’s one called the Ultimate Dog Tease.  It’s humorous.  Go watch it.

Okay, for those of  you still here who have seen the movie, and the guy who insists on having the movie spoiled for him, I went and saw “Captain America” in a sneak preview last week.  Wayyyyyyy before the rest of the world.  Why?  Maybe that’s just the kind of power and influence we have here at Wired4Film blog-a-zine-o-sphere-o-rama.  Or maybe my friend scored some free tickets from a Radio station. (Thanks, Jim!)

Anyway!

Today, I see the film is topping the Box Office on its opening weekend with over $65M so far.  The people have spoken.  In fact, a couple of film friends of mine were almost giddy:

Jeremy: “CAPTAIN AMERICA was great! At least for me, it completely lived up to my expectations, as a [Captain America] fan, I was happy. Now HARRY POTTER on the other hand FAR exceeded my expectations – maybe the best Hollywood film I’ve seen this summer.”

And another friend was gushing as well:

Jack: “Captain America is probably the best Comic Book Movie of the summer. I can’t wait to see what Whedon does with the Avengers. DC needs to take a page from Marvel’s playbook.

So there are well informed fan-boys out there that love the film.  Thought I’d throw that out there first.  But, I didn’t love it.  I liked it, but I didn’t love it.  Why?  I am so glad you asked.

Here now are 5 things I hated the most, not necessarily in this order…

1.  Captain America’s Miracle “Do Everything” Steroids

Someone I “overheard” online was peeved at the film’s seemingly pro-steroid stance.  I don’t think so, ma’am.  This is comic book world!  A world where strange potions and elixirs, cosmic space dust, mutant genomes and radioactive spiders create awesomely endowed heroes and their equally notorious baddie counterparts.  So that doesn’t bother me.  What does bother me is that this miracle “do everything” steroid not only makes him faster/stronger/taller (to be expected) but teaches him how to fight (both in one-on-one and one-on-500 combat), teaches him military strategy, teaches him how to fly a plane, enables him to be frozen underwater for 70 years without aging or the slightest frostbite.  Neo, at least, had the operator standing by.  When he needs to learn Kungfu?…breeeeeep.  Done.  Downloaded.  Trinity needs to fly a helicopter?  Brrrrreeeeeep.  Done.  Downloaded.  Makes sense…in Matrix World.  Not Captain America world.  Meanwhile in X-Men world, Wolverine has a super-rapid regeneration superpower, but you hold him under freezing water and he’ll drown.  And freeze his little wolvie nuggets off.  Captain America, though, just walks it off.

2. Zero Post-Op Recuperation Time

From the time he steps out of the make-buff-ifier machine (which is WAY better than Photoshop, people), he’s instantly running, jumping cars and buildings and saving the world.  No easing into it.  No getting used to the new sea legs.  Not even a glass of Gatorade.  Not the Gatorade Prime for pre-game.  Not the Gatorade regular for during the game.  Not the Gatorade Recover with extra carbs and protein for after the game.  None of them!  He didn’t even have to apply a coat of Cocoa Butter to help with the stretch marks that you KNOW he had after his little growth spurt.  Nope. Straight to battle.

3.  No Bad Superpower Side Effects

We’ve all seen Pharmaceutical commercials out there.  From Cialis to Allegra to Lunesta and beyond.  The miracle of modern medicine gives us sexual superpowers, super immunity to dust and pollen, and super sleep for super night’s rest…among other things.  But they all come with side-effects.  Horrible side effects.  Conflicting side effects.  May cause drowsiness or may cause excitement?  Which one is it?  May cause headaches and nausea.  May cause bleeding.  May cause an urge to gamble.  May cause man-boobs..  May cause gerbils to grow out of your nostrils.  Pregnant women shouldn’t even be watching this commercial.   But not the Captain America “Do-Everything” Steroids.  They don’t even cause his voice to go higher.

4. Three Stooges-esque Nazis

Granted, this movie has been labelled by some as the Children’s version of “Inglorious Basterds” but that doesn’t mean the Nazi baddies have to be so easy to knock over.  Supposedly, the Red Skull had given his Hydra soldiers the best technology in the world.  And yet each time Captain America waltzed right in it was like:

Cappie:  ”Hey Moe!  Knock Knock!”
Hydra Baddie: “Woo woo woo!  Who’s there?”
Cappie:  ”My fist!”  BAMF! “Nyuk nyuk nyuk!”
Hydra Baddie:  ”Ouchie!  Not again!  Shucks doggies!  This is the fifth surprise attack on our secret hidden fortresses!  Gee-willikers, if only they’d invented texting by now our downed brothers in the other 4 fortresses could have tweeted us in time to do something about it!”

5.  The Ending The Ending The Ending

Spoiler alert!  Okay, I get that we’re doing some Marvel cross-pollenation rise to the Avengers movie.  That’s cool.  I understand that you’ve gotta bring Captain America 70 years into the future in order to join that team.  But there are people you made us care about throughout the whole film that are just…gone?  I mean, Buck Rogers travels 500 years into the future but we don’t linger in the past, we get right to Twiki.  And Colonel Wilma Deering.  Mmmmm.  Wilma Deering.  Oh, where was I?  Oh yeah…not in Captain America.  Characters and subplots haven’t been so flippantly cast aside since Elisabeth Shue failed to re-appear in “Karate Kid 2″ .  Still scarred over that one, Ralph Macchio.  And to top it off, he’s been frozen for 70 years under ice!  Why is he not dead?  I guess what I’m saying is either I want him to be dead, or all the others to be alive.  Okay, not all, just some.  Okay, not some, just Tommy Lee Jones and Hayley Atwell.

So that’s it.  That’s my rant.  Most of it falls under, “Everything was too easy for Team Captain America” which to me was a writing issue.  But I just had to get that off my chest so that when they reboot Captain America in 6 months from now like they’re doing with every other comic series, maybe they’ll hear me.  And if they hear me, perhaps they’ll care.  And if they care, perhaps they’ll let me direct!  And if they let me direct, then Matt Damon and Rachel McAdams will be suiting up!

Let’s make a movie!

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